5 minutes

5 minutes is all it takes for your life to do a complete 180,

for everything you ever knew to flip upside down.

 

To jump out of the car,

not thinking straight—or thinking at all—

just wanted out of the pain of the past years,

of the torture from people that were supposed to be your friends.

 

To get the call,

as you sit there complaining about your algebra homework,

and suddenly homework doesn’t even matter anymore- suddenly

you’re sitting in a gurney in the hallway of the ER

where your great grandmother lies in the next room,

and having to hear everyone say goodbye

over and over and over and over

feels like a bullet ricocheting in your chest.

 

To lose your best friend,

over words you can’t even remember

and cry yourself to sleep for months and months,

all alone even when you’re not.

 

To see your dad crying behind the glass,

so close and yet so, so far,

you'd never seen him cry before;

and the days pass and life goes on as it always does-

but you need him, and you miss him,

and nothing will ever be the same.

 

 

 

 

 

my tooth hurts.

 Written as I lay in agony on Valentine's Day recovering from another medical emergency: this time it was dental surgery to remove my impacted wisdom teeth. Unbeknownst to me, the road to recovery would be difficult; my wound got infected and I ended up in more pain than I was before the surgery. Eventually I persevered as I always do. Later that year I got a chronic migraine that lasted three months, 103 days. Not to mention my iron deficiency anemia, hypothyroidism, and, of course, bipolar depression, three diseases that make my life a struggle every day. It's hard to get out of bed most days. And even through this pain, I got straight A's my last two semesters at MDC, and am starting at FIU in the fall for my bachelor's degree. Life goes on, even through the pain.

────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────

I woke up in pain today.

it’s been my reality for a while now

before i feel the sun in my eyes 

I feel my body aching

it’s one thing after another

emergency visits and meds and being diagnosed

with things over and over and over 

it’s too much–and yet in some ways i’m lucky

I can even go to doctors and take meds

doctors are a luxury now

but it doesn’t feel that way

it feels exhausting and miserable.

I wish my body acted as it should and

I wish for a day of peace. but until then-

I wake up in pain tomorrow.

 

Untitled (a short personal essay)

I wonder if I’m not happy because I don’t know how. I don’t remember the last time i was really, truly happy, but I can clearly remember the times I’ve spent crying in bed at 2 am.

I tend to break apart when I’m alone, in the dark, like my weakness is a shameful secret. No matter what I’m doing or where I’m going, I carry darkness with me like an old friend. I can’t let go.

Sometimes I wonder why I’ve been hurt so many times, and sometimes I think I know. I’m scared of being alone. Yet somehow, the times I’ve felt the most alone are the times I’ve spent with friends, having fun. It scares me in that moment, how life feels so perfect right then, because I know it’ll all end, and soon I’ll be alone again. It always ends.

I remember being eight years old and writing in my diary at school: “I wish I could start life over. I would do it right this time.” I’ve always felt a deep sense of anguish inside of me: is it who I am, or who I grew to be?

Untitled. 11.16.17

I'm drowning

swimming in a sea of insecurities and expectations and doubt

when the tide took me in 

and won't let go

I scream and scream

but no one is listening

and I lay here

alone, dying 

(we're all dying)

I can hardly breathe

the waves envelope me

nothing--

can save me. 

I'll never be. 

never be happy

I'm alone.

It's Been A Long Year 10.21.17

They poured on me exceptions

like honey into tea

but if you put too much

the tea gets bitter

as have I

I DON'T LIKE THIS 9.22.17

I have a monster inside of me.

I feed him with hatred. 

He rots my insides, until my heart is the color of charcoal. 

As my hair gets longer, my smile gets wider, as I get a new best friend,

He lays there, sandwiched between my lungs, dormant and waiting. 

stains 8.6.17

a blood stained shirt,

drip

drip

dripping

on the chair it is thrown on top of 

like a messy throne

i throw it in the laundry, 

layer cleaning product after product

but the stain stays, as ruby red as the day it fell

people tell me, “have you tried using vinegar?”

“have you tried soaking it in club soda?”

but what works for you did not work for me.

years pass and deep in a forgotten drawer, 

in a forgotten corner of the garage no one visits anymore

lays the shirt, with a stain

as ruby red as the day it fell

such are the stains in my own brain,

the thoughts and emotions of days long gone,

lost and forgotten until they are called upon again

but even time can’t take out the stain, and they remain, 

as ruby red as the day they fell.

a letter to my future self

do you ever wonder what you will think of today

in forty, fifty, sixty years,
when your hair is white, your mind is wise,
and your hands are a testament of time?
what will your old, graying self think
of things you think you can't live without?
did the doctor's visits work, is sushi still my favorite food, do you still watch
          reality tv like it's a religion?
are you proud? proud i was strong enough?
if nothing remains the same, if my outward appearance changes and i get a
          new dog and paint the walls of my bedroom----
          i can love, and laugh, and graduate, and live----
do you think about that seemingly simple fact and smile?
smile because i have a life to live now----
smile because you have lived it?